


stand outside and scream (teach yourself to be free)

by extasiswings



Series: Storms & Saints [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Antonia Stark - Freeform, Bisexual Female Character, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Rule 63, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 12:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4666056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extasiswings/pseuds/extasiswings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toni learns she's dying on a Wednesday. </p><p>In hindsight, she probably should have recognized that palladium in a body cavity is a good way to get blood poisoning. </p><p>Or: The one where Toni Stark makes terrible life decisions, but somehow still manages to save the day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stand outside and scream (teach yourself to be free)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shuofthewind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuofthewind/gifts).



> So, I couldn't turn my brain off, so here's the next segment far sooner than I expected. I am planning more for the series, but at the moment I have nothing solid. 
> 
> Things to note: 
> 
> Tony Stark is a mess. He is self-destructive and has incredibly low self-worth. He is also an alcoholic and undoubtedly suffers from some severe (though mostly unaddressed in canon) PTSD. 
> 
> Antonia (Toni) Stark, is therefore all of these things as well. This is not a pleasant ride, folks. Please be warned. 
> 
> (If you read through and think of things that need to be tagged, please feel free to let me know)
> 
> Happy Reading!

Toni learns she’s dying on a Wednesday.

When she looks back on it, she realizes that she probably should have recognized that palladium in a body cavity is a good way to get poisoned before she woke up vomiting blood into her bathroom sink, but in her defense, she had been a little distracted initially, what with the whole Obie trying to kill her thing. Ah, well. Hindsight is 20/20.

(It probably doesn’t help matters that her initial thought when seeing the mess is a combination of, _but I only had one drink last night_ , and, _I can’t possibly be old enough for cirrhosis yet_ )

When JARVIS delivers the news after running a quick body scan, she wipes her mouth on the back of her hand and flicks on the tap to wash away the evidence before sliding down to sit against the wall because fuck, okay, she needs a minute. She absolutely does not cry because _crying doesn’t fix anything, Antonia_.

— _she might laugh a little though, bitter and wild, because fuck, fuck, this has to be a joke that the thing that’s keeping her alive is also killing her and it isn’t fair because she’s barely started_ —

At first Toni manages to compartmentalize her prognosis fairly easily because finding a replacement for palladium is absolutely something she can do. Understandably however, her mood starts to turn south after a week of searches coming up empty because what’s the point of being the smartest woman—person, _person_ —in the world if she can’t even save herself?

(If she goes on a week-long bender and gets blackout drunk in her workshop every day, well she’s throwing up anyway and it isn’t like she hasn’t done it before)

It’s after that when she finally starts making plans.

Toni starts with Steve because she thinks he might be the easiest to push away.

— _it’s a serious miscalculation because he may not be Pepper or Rhodey, but they have lunch almost once a week and talk about the world and society and he seems genuinely interested whenever she goes off on a rant about modern architecture and robotics instead of just brushing her off like she’s a lunatic. More importantly, they talk about Peggy, beautiful, powerful Peggy Carter, the only person who was always always there for her, and it’s amazing telling him about her because he knows, he understands exactly what a force of nature Peggy was in a way no one else could and she always leaves happy_ —

She stops calling, has JARVIS send all his calls to voicemail, starts blowing off lunches with vague excuses about being busy with the Expo, and technically it is easy, but physically it’s as if she’s cutting off an important piece of herself and it hurts in a way she never expected.

— _the thing the media doesn’t understand about her is that when she allows herself to care she cares so much, and that’s why she has to be so careful, so very careful about forming real connections, because the people she lets in, really lets in, could all break her, and she wasn’t expecting Steve to become part of that exclusive club of people, but he did and the most screwed up part is he probably doesn’t even realize and she’s the one doing the breaking_ —

The frustrating thing is, Steve doesn’t stop, no matter how many calls she neglects to return or how clear she’s trying to make it that she _does not want him here, dammit._

— _it’s for his own good really, because he’s lost so much and it’ll be easier for him, easier for all of them, to lose her if they hate her in the end, so she keeps trying to push him, push all of them, away and if it’s killing her to do it, well she’s already dying_ —

He’s there at the opening of the Expo though, and then again after the congressional hearing— _and seriously, fuck Congress, because she may crack jokes, but the armor really is an extension of herself and she’ll be damned if anyone is going to take one more thing from her_ —and Toni can’t avoid him, so instead she goes with her second best option.

“Look, Rogers, I’m a busy woman. You may not have better things to do, but I have a very full schedule that does not involve babysitting geriatric charity cases. It’s a waste of my time, and to be honest, I’m kind of over it. I’m sure SHIELD has plenty of interns more than qualified to teach you how to use a tablet.”

— _she hates the way his jaw clenches, because he’s never been truly angry with her before and it feels wrong to lie to him, even more so because she can tell that he doesn’t buy it, that he doesn’t believe her, and although she has it in her to be truly cruel, she can’t quite manage going to those lengths yet_ —

After that, she turns on her heel and leaves as quickly as she can, ignoring the way he calls after her because if she listens to what he has to say, she might actually give in and do something insane like tell him the truth and he’s so good, _so good_ , that he might convince her to hope, and she can’t, _she just can’t_.

When Toni gets home, she makes Pepper CEO, and screw what anyone else says about it because that’s the most responsible, adult decision she’s made in years, and Stark Industries will be in the best possible hands.

— _if Pepper is secure for life afterwards, well, that’s at least one thing she managed to do right. She resolutely does not think about any less responsible feelings that may have inspired her decision because she’d mostly given up on that idea years ago and bringing it up now, even to herself, helps absolutely no one_ —

She gets no calls from Steve for over a week after their last conversation, but he calls three times the day after she hires Natalie Rushman to be her new PA. She ignores those the same way she ignored all the others, but when he shows up at her house, eyes stormy and jaw clenched, and gets into a shouting match with her newest employee, she can’t ignore him anymore.

Apparently, Steve takes issue with the fact that SHIELD would send an undercover agent to spy on her, and to be honest, Toni isn’t exactly thrilled either. She hates being lied to, _hates it_ , and _seriously_? She has enough trust issues already.

(In case SHIELD forgot, she just dealt with her business partner double-dealing weapons and forcing her out of her own damn company with the assistance of several of her employees and the board _like six months ago_. And they thought sending in a _spy_ to be her PA was the best option?)

So, she’s grateful to Steve for that, even if it makes pushing him away even more difficult.

— _and it is more difficult, because he’s always around, ostensibly keeping an eye on Natalie/Natasha who is still her PA because good help is hard to find, but mainly because he’s waiting for her to break, waiting for her to stop lying to him, and dammit, if he keeps it up, she might actually do it because she’s fraying, fraying, fraying at the seams_ —

They go to Monaco and it’s fun until it isn’t, because Vanko shows up with his electric whips to wreak havoc and _no, no, no, this is not happening, it can’t be happening._

— _the armor was supposed to protect people, but it can’t, not if she’s not around to use it, not if other people have the power to create similar things, because the thing is, it isn’t a weapon, not if she’s the one using it, but she’s failed, failed so fantastically because she didn’t think far enough ahead, she didn’t make contingencies, and now there’s no time_ —

Pepper is angry with her on the flight home and it hurts, god does it hurt, because this is Pepper, it’s _Pepper_ , and Toni doesn’t lie to her, not like this, not ever, because Pepper is the most important thing, the one thing she’s not sure she could live without for long, and she loves her, always has, almost from the first minute she stepped into Toni’s office.

— _she’s never said a word, but she thinks Pepper knows anyway, which is both beautiful and terrible because she does not deserve Pepper Potts in any capacity, but certainly not like that, not when she destroys everything she touches, which is why she would cut off her own hands before allowing herself to tarnish Pepper the way she knows she would_ —

When they get back, Toni throws herself into work, and when that doesn’t help, she gives herself one day, one single day to pull herself together, which, by her definition, involves drinking herself into a stupor so she can quiet her brain and not feel anything for _five fucking seconds, god_.

And of course, _of fucking course_ , when she comes to, it’s Steve who is holding her hair back as she vomits, and there’s blood and she’s hungover as shit and just flat out wrecked from everything and she tells him at last because, well, even murderers are allowed confessors aren’t they?

— _it’s not fair, it’s not right, and she wants to scream at the heavens in frustration and curse out a god she isn’t even sure she believes in because she’s trying to make up for her mistakes, trying to pay her dues, to wipe out at least some of her sins, but there isn’t time, and this has to be the cruelest trick the universe has ever played on anyone_ —

Steve…Steve just looks at her when she finishes speaking, his face impassive, and that’s okay, Toni thinks, because she’s not sure what she would say in his place and at least he isn’t mentioning the wet spot on his shoulder or the way she still has to swipe at her eyes every few moments.

— _selfish, so, so selfish of her to put that on him, and she’s a damn fool for letting him stick around in the first place, for not trying hard enough to push him away before they got to this point, because he held her like she might shatter if he pressed hard enough and if she’s honest, she’s not sure she wouldn’t and she hates him for touching her at all and especially like that, but she also wants more of it because no one’s touched her since Afghanistan, not in any way that mattered, and she needs_ —

“Okay.”

All the things he could say, and he chooses that? It only makes Toni more confused, but she doesn’t question it because she’s wrung out and exhausted, and so she doesn’t actually mind when he turns and leaves without another word because, to be honest, she isn’t really up for any more emotional upheaval.

— _she realizes later where he went and why, but not until after her disaster of a birthday party, when she’s facing Nick Fury in a run-down donut shop and Natasha starts jabbing her with needles, and holy shit, she doesn’t realize exactly how sick she is until the anti-toxin takes effect, and then she’s left wondering how the hell she isn’t dead yet_ —

Steve still isn’t there when Toni starts going through her father’s things, and for that she’s grateful because they don’t talk about Howard, somehow manage to skirt around any mention of him when a conversation gets too close, and although eventually they should probably address the elephant in the room, it’s not the right time.

She’s even more glad Steve’s not there when she actually gets around to watching the tapes because she’s shaking, but from anger instead of illness, from pure, unadulterated rage, because _how dare he_.

_You are my greatest creation._

(No. No, _fuck him_. She doesn’t even know how to wrap her mind around that because her conversation with Fury— _“My father never told me he loved me. He never even told me he liked me”_ —doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the shitshow that was Howard Stark’s parenting)

— _wouldn’t be half the person she is without Peggy, he had nothing to do with it, nothing, and any success she’s had has been in spite of him, how dare he, and god, she can’t remember ever being this angry in her entire life_ —

In the end, it may be Howard’s designs that give her the solution, but Toni is the one who puts them together, who synthesizes a goddamn element on the fly, so she’ll be damned if she’s going to give him any kind of credit. As far as she’s concerned, she saves herself.

(It’s not over, of course, because there’s still Vanko and Justin Fucking Hammer and the Expo to deal with, but she has a brand new heart and everything else is a piece of cake after that.)

She kisses Pepper on the roof, high on adrenaline and life and the fact that _she still has one_ , and miraculously, Pepper kisses her back and it feels like coming home.

Toni sees Steve again the next day in a meeting with Natasha and Fury who slides over an assessment for her to read. It stings— _hurts like a bitch if she’s honest_ —but at the same time, nothing it says about her is technically wrong for a given definition of the truth.

_Iron Maiden: Yes._

_Antonia Stark: Not recommended._

The thing is, she closes the file and gets up to leave, not wanting to face the three of them like this, when she feels like she’s failed spectacularly at something, but Steve stops her before she can, setting another file on the table. He shrugs when she looks at him, her confusion clear.

“You don’t have to read the whole thing,” he allows. “If you want, you can skip to the end.”

She does.

_Avenger’s Initiative Assessment: Rogers, Steven G._

_Iron Maiden: Recommended_

_Antonia Stark: Recommended_

_Team Member Status: Approved_

“I don’t understand,” Toni says finally.

— _she wants to, she thinks she might, but the feeling in her chest feels too much like hope and she knows better than to hope for what she wants, so she needs him to say it, needs someone else to explain, because she doesn’t quite trust this_ —

“Natasha’s report was meant to be purely objective,” Steve replies. “The thing about objectivity though, is that it doesn’t automatically predict a good team. For the moment, I’ve been assigned command of the Initiative, for whatever that’s really worth, and I want you on my team.”

(There’s something else there, a flicker in his eyes when he says it as if he means something else as well, but it’s gone almost as soon as Toni notices it, and so she lets it go, because ultimately, he said _yes_ )

“Well, in that case, I suppose I could at least consider it,” Toni remarks. She’s going for flippant because Fury’s still in the room and she would rather not show her hand to him at any point if she can help it, but her lips quirk up in a smile as she makes her way toward the door, nodding to Natasha as she passes and then again to Steve.

“Captain.”

“Ms. Stark.”

 _Oh, yes. This’ll be fun_ , she thinks, and her laughter echoes through the halls until she steps out into the sun to head home.


End file.
